As you read, you will feel an unspoken connection with each one of these women on an emotional and psychological level. Without a doubt, you will come across an experience, or several of them, which mirrors your own. Abusers think they are unique, but they are not. They all pretty much resort to a standard bag of tricks. Abusers are common.
You will also become acutely aware of the common thread running through these excerpts and narratives - these are good, decent women. They are loving mothers, thoughtful wives - kind, intelligent human beings. They're just like you.
Email Excerpt from Jan: I just need to vent and this is the only place I know where to go at this time of night.
We've been together almost 2 years..the abuse started when I was pregnant with our first child (who is now an Angel baby) it was just a little pushing during an argument. Then when I found him talking to another women... it really happened. He grabbed my throat and tried to choke me, (note, I was about 20wks pregnant again) I had to fight for my life that night and I still have nightmares.
I feel sometimes that I make these things happen to myself but somewhere deep down I think also that I deserve better than this. He tells me I'm broken, that I'll never trust anyone and that's why this happens to me. Since then it's happened numerous other times, sometimes he'll just grab me by my hair and pull as hard as possible as he's yelling at me, or more recently...he's started to repeatedly smack me in the face and head... even once with our 3month old in my arms... I don't know what to do anymore.
I talk to a friend about it and he always says, "Why don't you kick him out?" "Why don't you leave him?" "Why don't you get help?" and I hate them for asking those things because God, I ask myself the same thing 24hrs a day, 7days a week.
I wish I knew why I don't have the courage to go to my parents, or the police and get help. One of the reasons I'm afraid to now is because our baby. I don't ever want her to have to be with him and only him if we were to split custody...because if he can do this to me, could he do it to her one day? I'm afraid of what I'll do without him. I KNOW my parents would help me with everything but I'm so ashamed to tell them... I'm so ashamed. And because I'm stupid I still love him, but why do I? I don't know... because I know FOR SURE I don't wanna be with him anymore, or be in this relationship... but I'm afraid. I'm afraid he'll hurt me even worse one day too though... so lost and confused.
Thanks for letting me vent...
Email Excerpt from Jen: Hello my name is Jen I'm writing this while im laying on my mothers couch my sons laying in my lap screaming for daddy while I'm laying here with a broken collar bone.
He swore he wouldn't do it again and I was naive enough to believe it. It started a month ago when he assaulted me at work and I got granted the restraining order he went to jail for one whole day...the restraining order was broken as soon as he got out I waited to tell because it was just texts and everyone said it would be ok.
It wasn't two weeks later I'm sitting on my couch with my sister and our children he busts in the door the first thing he does is steals our phone so can't call for help two of the children are up screaming in the corner one is mine and my attackers child he's screaming stop don't do it daddy.
I try to run. I make it to the porch he picks me up by my throat throws me on the ground like a bag of trash. I'm blacked out at this point I wake up being drug in the house by my arm at this point I notice my collar bone is broken he grabs me by my arm again and somehow I manage to punch him a knock him down and get to safety hopefully this time he don't get out because I believe if my sister wasn't there I would t be walking away with just a broken collar bone.
He was on the run for 24 hours and in that time he came back to my house twice and contacted all of my friends and me. Girls never let them break a restraining order even if it's just a text because it may be you laying here with broken dreams and bones.
Email Excerpt from BonBon: I was with him for 25 years. We started dating in high school. He was the love of my life. We always had a rocky relationship. Even when we dated, he would get angry and yell at me, and I'd cry and he'd say he was sorry. That was the cycle. I had wanted to date other people, but he would say no, we're not breaking up, or that he'd kill himself. Then I decided to go behind his back, which I confessed to, and he never let me forget it.
We married, and it's just a blur to me. He acted like he couldn't stand me. I used to be fun-loving and silly, but he didn't like it. He would tell me he didn't like certain clothes I wore and would get angry if I chose to wear them (hiphuggers, flared pants). He would accuse me of going to the gym just to flirt with men (the gym was a part of me, something I really enjoyed). He got angry when I refused to exercise at home.
He didn't like it that I wanted to use my "special" spoon, or "special" bowl. He didn't like it that I wanted to visit our dogs every day (he claimed I loved them more than I loved him). If our grass got too tall and I asked if he'd cut it, he said that it wasn't bothering him, so "you cut it yourself". He would go on hunting and fishing trips and leave me.
He'd go to the local bar almost every night when we were married, and once came home at 7 a.m. There was nothing I could say about this stuff. He'd get angry if I complained (he called me a "nag"). And when I asked if he'd please leave a note to let me know where he was if he'd not be home for dinner, he got angry and yelled at me.
The name-calling started maybe halfway through our "marriage". He'd call me a bitch, or tell me to go to Hell. The one I hated was when he said "f*ck you". I asked him to stop, and he just couldn't.
All of that (plus more things I haven't mentioned) just about killed me. I became depressed, crying frequently, because we fought about three times a week. One of the reasons was because I wouldn't give him sex. He became very angry if I wouldn't. And he would yell at me and say, "why can't you ever be happy"!
At a point, I realized that the only thing I could do to please him was to do nothing, to feel nothing, because he was angered by just about everything I did (even looking at him the wrong way, or breathing a certain way set him off). So my "self" disappeared". I was nothing. I thought then maybe he'd stop, because if I was "nothing", he wouldn't have a reason to be angry. It didn't work.
When I found a sex site that he'd subscribed to, I barely felt anything. I calmly talked to him about it. And as usual, he placated me with apologies. It was only when he became physically violent that I told him I couldn't live that way. And he yelled at me one last time and said, "I won't cow-tow to you, and if you don't like it, get the f*ck out"!
That was the last time he yelled at me face to face. I calmly said, "o.k." He later came back and said I didn't have to leave. I said, no, I'm doing what I said I would. He asked if I'd still be there after he returned from his hunting/fishing trip, and I said, "I guess not". I hurriedly packed my things. He called me to try to talk me into not leaving, and then his phone went dead.
I was so afraid that he was coming back to the house. I immediately called my friend and she said for me to come stay with her. I scrambled and shoved my things into garbage bags and left. I was out of my head terrified. I stayed with my friend for the night. I moved into another friend's house and stayed there for a month.
During that month he followed me, he put a tracking device in my car, he found where I was staying on Mapquest and came to the friend's house, he got into my car without my permission, and he took my cellphone to get my number. He repeatedly called my workplace to "talk", and couldn't talk to me without raising his voice. I learned how to be assertive, and told him if he couldn't talk to me in a civil manner, I'd hang up. I did. He did not like that.
I received counsel from my friends, and went to an attorney to file for divorce. The whole time I felt that I was in a daze - not in my body. I also felt that I was being a traitor, for leaving my husband. He had my mind so twisted. I had lost myself, and I'd lost my capability to think for myself. It was all about him - none about me.
So I'm now 5 years out, and I'm still healing. Sometimes it still feels like a nightmare - not real. I've had flashbacks and depression. But now I have friends, I'm learning again how to like myself (even how to be myself), and I am in a good relationship with a very kind man. I believe I still have a long way to go, but I'm on the right path.
Email Excerpt from Suzi: My life has consisted of "bad choices" all the way through. I have had controlling men since I started dating. They made me feel safe, and loved because I misread jealousy, possessiveness for love. My self confidence was never in good shape, and I was always an easy victim for an abuser. I have never felt I deserve any better.
This last abuser was so over the top, I ended up in the hospital, addicted to crystal meth, financially devastated, as well as now having to be a witness in his trial which will put him in prison for quite a few years. His history of abuse is very repetitive, but I still feel freaked that I will ultimately get him what he deserves as far as the law. I am now back with my husband, who is a very wonderful man.
My inner happiness is very badly affected by the fear, and terror this man brought to my life. He strangled me seconds from death 2 times which changed my confidence altogether. I live in fear, sadness, and humiliation for the pain I have brought to my family. My goal is to remember HE did this to himself. His extensive DV record will add up to a habitual charge, and I know he will blame me for everything. He is a narcissist, a very self centered man, with a false sense of importance about himself. But considering that he is someones son, brother, uncle etc. it saddens me for his family.
I hope he will utilize all opportunities to learn and obtain tools for his future so he also can live a more constructive happier life. My gut feeling tells me he will not learn, and with the same behavior and the blame he will carry for me to prosecute him, that he will eventually kill me.
I feel me days are numbered. Wish I could turn back time,and not have gotten involved with this man. But since I cant do that, I will do everything in my power to make sure that he does not do this to another woman. All I can hope for is that I will make some difference and also gain much needed strength for myself. Thank you for listening.
Email Excerptfrom Nanc: Thank you. I was sitting here wide awake wanting to talk to someone about what was going on in my head. I almost called my ex because I knew he was awake.
My ex and I broke up Jan. 10, 2007 (3 wks b4 the wedding) after being together for almost 2 years. Long story short, he turned out to be emotionally abusive for the first 1 1/2 and then became violent.
The pastor of our church told me if I loved him to stick by him and pray. Stupid me I did for two months after the first time I had to call the police. I didn't press charges because he didn't hit me. He just forced his way in to my house and said a few things that got him punched repeatedly in the face...I broke my hand in four places and he got a disorderly conduct fine. The second time he was violent was towards my 14 year old son infront of our 7 month old daughter. That was it.
The police wouldn't let me press charges because my son faught back and the jugde turned down the protection order. The stalking and harrassment started and did not stop until three emails he sent me were enough information for the police to do something. He went to prison and served only 6 months. I had the prison enforce a No Contact Order ue to 9 letters he sent in under a month to me.
Since we have a daughter together, the court for some God forsaken reason gave him shared legal custody with permission to call and write the baby (14 months old then) while he was still incarcerated. I was ordered to communicate fully with him and read every letter he wrote to "the baby". The judge gave him back control. The no Contact Order was dropped.
Now he is out of prison and drug rehab living with a women whom he claims is his best friend of 20 years. I never heard of her. He still calls me "hon" and believes we can forgive and move past this and be the family we should be...blah, blah, blah.
What I want to know if how long does it take to get a control freak out of your system and when am I going to get control back of my life when he's court ordered to be in it? I've been on dates with three men within the past year and I didn't like any of them after the first date. The last one had the red flags going up the first hour when he told me what I was going to eat when we went out next time for dinner.
We've been broken up for a little over a year and I STILL feel like we are together. I feel like I would be cheating on my ex if I slept with another man. HELP!!! This isn't me and I found ALOT of similarities within this site.
I moved to a different area to start a new life..to get away from the 19 years of failed relationships, courts, and the pastor who condoned my ex's behavior and moved a block away from me. I don't drink or do drugs, I don't go out, I rarely get dressed, but I am not always depressed. I just have no desire to go out and meet new people who will /might hurt me. I don't trust my judgement or my instincts anymore. What the heck happened to me?
I used to be the one with the biggest kahunas who did what she wanted reagrdless of anyone else's opinion. I never listened to anyone who told me what to do. I laughed and did it smiling just to spite them. I want that girl back. I have 2 1/2 college degrees, I'm not hard on the eyes, I have four great kids, my own place and vehicle, and a new job. So why the heck do I still miss/love him? He's not going to change. He doesn't think he has a problem. And I gotta deal with him for the next 16 yrs. and 3 months? (He says for the rest of our daughter's life)
I attended the victim's classes and was told we could not give advice to any of the other women. I get that to a point, but most of the women hadn't left the guy yet and it was hard for me to keep my mouth shut. There was no child care provided and I didn't want to leave my children alone at the house while he was still out there.
I just really needed to vent and I thank whoever is reading this by giving me the oportunity to do so.
Stuck in a rut,
[ Women Speak Up is a compilation of emails and excerpts from Heart 2 Heart Living - A Woman's Heart. © by www.heart-2-heart.ca ]