Why do we stay?

#1
Why men don't seek help 123
  • UPD: 03-17-14
  • MH2
  • 4132262

Understanding why men stay in abusive relationships or remain silent: Do any of these questions sound familiar? "Why don't you leave if it's that bad?" or "How can you let this happen?" or "Stand up to her." "I wouldn't put up with that if I were you." or how about the king of asinine questions... " Why don't you just kick her out? "

By asking those questions or making those statements, friends and family members are re-victimizing us. Not having been abused, they have absolutely no idea what our life is like on a daily basis - week after week - month after month - year after year.

They have not been clawed, stabbed, pinched, slapped, punched or kicked in the groin. They haven't lost confidence and trust in themselves because they believed "I'll never do it again." for the 100th time. Their self-esteem has not been worn down with the shame of being humiliated, degraded and yelled at rather than loved and respected.

They do not understand how living with abuse gradually deteriorates soul and self - piece by piece. Only those of us who are being abused can understand we've stayed. We have a million reasons why we can't stay and a million reasons why we can't leave.

Why battered men don't leave or remain silent
  • Shame:  What will my friends, family, colleagues and neighbors think? What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me? It's a private matter - it belongs in the family. If I say anything, she'll tell everyone I'm the abusive one, and shame me in public. I'm ashamed I'm not strong enough to defend myself. Everyone knows it's men that are the violent ones [the shame of male for being male].
  • Self-Worth  I probably deserved it. This is the best I deserve. With my looks, or age, or personality, or income, this is as good a relationship as I'll ever be able to get.
  • Denial:  It's not that bad. All I have to do is leave the house until she cools down. [ That's what TV star Phil Hartman said just before his wife murdered him then killed herself. ] I can weather this one, just like I did the others.
  • Inertia:  It's too hard to do anything. I'm not ready for that much change in my life. I'll do it tomorrow, or later, when I'm not so busy. Sounds like a lot of work - more to take care of than I can handle right now.
  • Force of habit:   I'm used to life the way it is now.
  • Inertia:  It's too hard to do anything. I'm not ready for that much change in my life. I'll do it tomorrow, or later, when I'm not so busy. Sounds like a lot of work - more to take care of than I can handle right now. Force of habit. I'm used to life the way it is now.
  • The Kids:  Another reason for staying is to protect the kids. The research shows that people who assault their partners, women as well as men, are likely to assault their children, too. If he leaves, chances are he'll never be able to come back.

    In today's climate, there's a good chance she'll be able to allege that he has assaulted her or assaulted or even sexually abused the kids and get a protection order on her say-so, barring him from seeing the kids.

    This is a common theme in many battered men's personal stories. If you need to come up with a safety plan and plan out a way for you and the kids to leave the abusive relationship, you also need a "dose of reality" about what some of the risks and problems are. They aren't insurmountable problems, and many men have overcome them, but they can be difficult ones.
  • Fear of having a 911 call turned around:  If a man is being battered and trying to protect the kids, and he calls 911, all too frequently he is the one who ends up being arrested. At a minimum, he may experience problems getting the police to believe that he's been assaulted or that he needs police help.

    Murray A. Straus, Family Violence Researcher writes:

    "Men are also less likely to call the police, even when there is injury, because, like women, they feel shame about disclosing family violence. But for many men, the shame is compounded by the shame of not being able to keep their wives under control. Among this group, a "real man" would be able to keep her under control.

    Moreover, the police tend to share these same traditional gender role expectations. This adds to the legal and regulatory presumption that the offender is a man. As a result, the police are reluctant to arrest women for domestic assault.

    Women know this. That is, they know they are likely to be able to get away with it. As in the case of other crimes, the probability of a woman assaulting her partner is strongly influenced by what she thinks she can get away with."
Why don't abused men seek help? - by Doug Flor

* NOTE: Doug Flor, a therapist who has dealt with abuse issues in his own life, posted this article Usenet. He was formerly a project coordinator for the Department of Child and Family Development and the Adolescent Development Research Program, Institute for Behavioral Research, The University of Georgia.

"Yes, you may cross post the message. Making it anonymous is not necessary, people may think I was a woman and that is something I wish to avoid. As a victim of spousal abuse from my former marriage partner, Why did I not leave? Go to a shelter? Get help anywhere?

First, I loved my former spouse.

Even though she had a problem with violence, there was more to her than just the abusive behavior. I sought to work out the problem. She refused to admit that she "had a problem" [some- thing many women's groups deny today, as well].

Second, I love my children.

I felt that by being an active parent I could moderate or deflect any abuse that might be inflicted on the children. Today, they are adults. But I know that the courts don't give a man a fair shake when it comes to custody. A man can't be just a good father in order to gain custody of his children, he has to prove the mother to be incompetent.

This only makes an adversarial situation more adversarial and we know that the single biggest predictor of emotional and behavioral problems in children is open hostile conflict between parents.

I was unwilling to "go to bat" for my children as it would mean subjecting them to more negative behavior. By staying in an abusive relationship, I was able to assure myself that I would have access to my children and that they could see that there was a different way to have a relationship with a parent.

Third, there is a stigma attached to being a male victim of spousal abuse that even permeates our field.

I had a discussion with a male professor at one university [in a family department] that refused to believe that a woman could be abusive. Try talking as a male victim to others that you are a victim of this kind of behavior and you will get such reactions as this:

  • you wimp
  • why don't you take it like a man
  • you must be a controlling man or she wouldn't do that
  • you must be abusive too

These are a few reactions I have encountered by people in our field. How could I expect to have any kind of understanding from people who were NOT expected to understand families [police, etc]. While I did encounter some people in this field who were understanding, it was still very embarassing for me on both the personal and professional levels.

Fourth, there are VERY FEW programs [if any] designed to help battered males.

In the United States, we just passed a bill called the Defense of Women's Act targeting all kinds of money for female victims of spousal abuse, but what about the men in this situation? By refusing to earmark monies to programs that are inclusive of men, we deny that a problem exists [that women can be abusive] and perpetuate an implicit message that it is perfectly OK to abuse men. THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM.

Fifth, even when researchers use data sets that could illuminate the problem of familial violence by forming a theoretical framework that isn't biased [or blind], they get attacked by the more radical, extremist political agendas of groups who wish to exclude, hide, or just ignore the issue by focusing only on the "real" victims of spousal abuse.

The political agenda of these various groups say that they can only look at one type of abuse [because it is "more important"]. And while some give lipservice to the issue of male victims, they rarely, if ever discuss the issue without revictimizing men who have experienced abuse. Where is the "ethic of caring" in that?

Familial Violence is Wrong

The betrayal of a prime theoretical supposition to maintain a blindsightedness because it fails to meet their political agenda makes me highly suspect of these groups. They seem to have an axe to grind and they would rather remain blind, intolerant, and uncaring than to admit their political agenda is driving their theory and research.

Familial violence, whether it is perpetrated by a male or female, on an adult male or female [or child, whether male or female] is wrong.

But in trying to ascertain why it is perpetrated and why individuals stay in abusive relationships is very complex. Most of the reasoning, research, help, and content is still blind to the issue of male victims."

Why Don't Battered Men Seek Help? © by Doug Flor

[ "Why don't abused men seek help?" by Doug Flor. Thank you for making this information available. ]

More Reasons Why Men Stay
  • Fear: The number one reason for not leaving is fear. Our fears are not unfounded given the fact that battered men are most at risk during leaving or after having left an abusive relationship.

    It is very important that our expression of fear not be minimized. If a decision to leave has been made, a safety plan must be put in place if you have reason to be afraid for your life. Don't take any chances if your partner threatened to kill you. When you're dead.. you're dead... that's it.
  • Lack of Resources: Since one of the major components of abuse is isolation, we often lack a support system. Our family ties and friendships have been destroyed, leaving us psychologically and financially dependent on our abusive partner.
  • Lack of Finances and Economic Reality: The economic reality for men [particularly those with children] is often a bleak one. Perhaps economic dependence on the abuser is a very real reason for remaining in the relationship. Public assistance programs have been drastically reduced and those that remain provide inadequate benefits.
  • Children: Being a single parent is a strenuous experience under the best of circumstances, and for most men, conditions are often far from fair and just when it comes to receiving either equal custodial access or full custody of their children from the court system.

    The enormous responsibility of raising children alone can be overwhelming. Often, our abuser may threaten to take the children away from us if we make attempts to leave.
  • Feelings of Guilt: Sometimes we may believe that our wife is "sick" and/or needs our help; the idea of leaving can thus produce feelings of guilt.
  • Promises of Reform: Our abuser promises it will never happen again; we want to believe this is true.
  • Sex-role Conditioning: Most men are still taught to be the protector and the family provider. To leave is to abandon them and therefore admit failure.
  • Religious Beliefs and Values: Religious beliefs reinforce the commitment to marriage. Many faiths hold that the husband is responsible for the welfare of his family. This may be a powerful reason for staying in a destructive relationship.
  • Societal Disbelief Concerning Battered Men: Many people turn a "deaf ear" to marital violence and believe that what goes on behind closed doors is a "private matter."

    The observance of a burglary, child abuse, or even cruelty to animals in the neighbourhood might quickly be reported; whereas, an assault on a husband or significant other may not and often is not reported.
  • Love for Spouse: Most people enter a relationship for love, and that emotion does not simply disappear easily or in the face of difficulty. After a battering, our abuser is often extremely penitent. Because our self-esteem is so low following the incident, the apologies and promises of reform are often perceived as the end of the abuse.

    The repetition of abuse, apology, wonderful life, tension, abuse, apology ad nausem is known as the Cycle of Abuse. We call it The Terminator.

See also:

  • Men are people too Men are where women were twenty to thirty years ago when it comes to the topic of domestic violence.
  • Battered man syndrome To understand battered men's syndrome, one must first understand how someone becomes a "battered man".

A random selection of posts from our site:

Men Are People Too » When most survey data are compared with archival data, it appears that only 8% of women who are assaulted report the abuse. It also shows that only 1% of men who are assaulted report the abuse ...

The Terminator » The repetition of this insidious cycle is exactly what grinds you down over time. Read about the four stages and what makes the wheel spin ...

CDC Study on Male Abuse » According to a 2010 national survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Department of Justice, in the last 12 months more men than women were victims of intimate partner physical violence and over 40% of severe physical violence was directed at men .....

Intimate Partner Abuse » Like all previous studies of intimate partner abuse, the Canadian GSS findings indicate that abuse was not an isolated event. 54% of these male victims had experienced spousal violence more than once in the preceding period. In fact, 13% of them had experienced it more than 10 times ...

A New Generation of Compassionate, Sensitive Men » Most men remember incidents from their boyhood when their dad or coach told them to act like a man, especially when the child expressed fear or cried. Being shamed for expressing emotions is hurtful for any boy resulting in his ...

·

Quotable

People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success. - Norman Vincent Peale
.

Doing it for You

Self-awareness is Self-empowerment

18 other people are here with you - upping their game - taking control and making positive life changes for themselves and those they love.

Our day - Nov 19th

Mark Twain

"Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."

Courtesy of Political Humour About

National Help Lines

These people are here for you. Call them. Explain your situation honestly and openly. This is not the time to defend or protect her or to downplay the extent of abuse you are living with. The bottom line is that abuse is abuse - you don't deserve it.


If you need immediate help contact your local police department or emergency services. Hold her accountable for her actions. DV laws protect everyone. This includes you and all abused men. Claim your rights.

Men Around the World


Making Wine - Spain

You Deserve A Break

  • Have a laugh

    The pain-killing endorphins you release in one laughing session will last between 12-24 hours

  • Chuck Norris Factoids
    We duly affirm this snip was Chuck Norris Approved 12 12 2012

    • Chuck Norris does not sleep - he waits
    • When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he discovered he'd already missed 3 calls from Chuck Norris
    • Chuck Norris once made a Happy Meal cry
    • When God said "let there be light", Chuck Norris said "say please"
    • Chuck Norris remembers the future
    • Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet - the bear isn't dead it's afraid to move
    • Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience
    • There is no Theory of Evolution - just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live
    • Chuck Norris doesn't read books - he stares them down until he gets the information he wants
    • Chuck Norris does not love Raymond

    DYK:  Tough guy Chuck Norris is actually a devout Christian - always has been - Read more

  • George Carlin
    He was a satirical, social whip and yep... hilarious. He was George Carlin

    • No one knows what's next, but everybody does it
    • Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it
    • "No comment" is a comment
    • In America, anyone can become president - that's the problem
    • Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit
    • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
    • Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that
    • Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself

    DYK:  Carlin and his "Seven Dirty Words" comedy routine were central to the 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a 5-4 decision by the justices affirmed the government's power to regulate indecent material on the public airwaves

  • The Dos Equis Man
    The Dos Equis man - here's a sampling of some of the most humourous we found

    • He lives vicariously - through himself
    • He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it felt
    • His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man's entire body
    • When it's raining, it's because he is thinking of something sad
    • His shirts never wrinkle
    • He is left-handed and right-handed
    • If he were to mail a letter without postage - it would still get there
    • The police often question him just because they find him interesting
    • His mother has a tattoo that says "Son"
    • He once taught a German Sheppard to bark - in Spanish
    • On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him
    • Mosquitos refuse to bite him purely out of respect
    • In museums, he is allowed to touch the art
    • His business card simply says I'll call you.
    • He has won the lifetime achievement award - twice
    • If he were to slap your face, you would have to fight off the urge to thank him
    • He bowls overhand
    • He is fluent in all languages, including three that only he speaks
    • He tips an astonishing 100%
    • Once, while sailing around the world, he discovered a short cut
    • Panhandlers give him money
    • His passport requires no photograph
    • When he drives a new car off the lot, it increases in value
    • He once brought a knife to a gun - fight just to even the odds

    DYK:  Dos Equis translates from Spanish as "Two Xs" - pop-up a graphic of the label to see for yourself

    Read about the real man and how he came to be - Jonathan Goldsmith "The World's Most Interesting Man"

International Days

A random global spin is sharing this day with you:

Mar 22  World Water Day

There are no passengers on spaceship Earth - we are all crew. Let's make our cruise the best it can be for all sentient life and the world's biodiversity - for the air, the earth and the oceans.

Of Special Interest
  • She really doesn't want to stop controlling you and abuse is her method of doing it.

  • Getting what she wants using trusted coercive methods similar to those of prison guards.

  • Owning your personal boundaries are a vital part of learning how to to love and respect yourself.

  • Inside, the ultra-sensitive man is screaming, "Do you see what you're doing? You're killing me!"