Why do we stay?
Understanding why men stay in abusive relationships or remain silent...
Do any of these questions sound familiar? "Why don't you leave if it's that bad?" or "How can you let this happen?" or "If I was you I wouldn't put up with that." or how about the king of asinine questions... " Why don't you just kick her out? "
By asking those questions or making those statements, friends and family members are re-victimizing us. Not having been abused, they have absolutely no idea what it's like to feel totally worthless and ashamed.
Their self-esteem has not been stomped into the floor. They have not been clawed, stabbed, slapped, punched, kicked in the groin, humiliated and degraded. They do not understand how the whole process of abuse gradually deteriorates soul and self... piece by piece.
Only those of us who are being abused can understand why we've stayed. We have a million reasons why we can't stay and million reasons why we can't leave.
Why battered men don't leave or remain silent
- Shame: What will my friends, family, colleagues and neighbors think? What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me? It's a private matter - it belongs in the family. If I say anything, she'll tell everyone I'm the abusive one, and shame me in public. I'm ashamed I'm not strong enough to defend myself. Everyone knows it's men that are the violent ones [the shame of male for being male].
- Self-Worth I probably deserved it. This is the best I deserve. With my looks, or age, or personality, or income, this is as good a relationship as I'll ever be able to get.
- Denial: It's not that bad. All I have to do is leave the house until she cools down. [ That's what TV star Phil Hartman said just before his wife murdered him then killed herself. ] I can weather this one, just like I did the others.
- Reluctance to Give Up the Good: If people got to know her, they'd see what a creative, or loving, or wonderful person she is. She's like this only some of the time. The sex is great, and I can put up with being batted around a little. I'd be lost without a relationship with her. I'd be lost without a relationship.
- Inertia: It's too hard to do anything. I'm not ready for that much change in my life. I'll do it tomorrow, or later, when I'm not so busy. Sounds like a lot of work - more to take care of than I can handle right now. Force of habit. I'm used to life the way it is now.
- The Kids: Another reason for staying is to protect the kids. The research shows that people who assault their partners, women as well as men, are likely to assault their children, too. If he leaves, chances are he'll never be able to come back. In today's climate, there's a good chance she'll be able to allege that he has assaulted her or assaulted or even sexually abused the kids, and get a protection order on her say-so, barring him from seeing the kids.
This is a common theme in many battered men's personal stories. If you need to come up with a safety plan and plan out a way for you and the kids to leave the abusive relationship, you also need a "dose of reality" about what some of the risks and problems are. They aren't insurmountable problems, and many men have overcome them, but they can be difficult ones. Fear of having a 911 call turned around: If a man is being battered and trying to protect the kids, and he calls 911, all too frequently he is the one who ends up being arrested. At a minimum, he may experience problems getting the police to believe that he's been assaulted or that he needs police help.
" Men are also less likely to call the police, even when there is injury, because, like women, they feel shame about disclosing family violence. But for many men, the shame is compounded by the shame of not being able to keep their wives under control. Among this group, a "real man" would be able to keep her under control.
Moreover, the police tend to share these same traditional gender role expectations. This adds to the legal and regulatory presumption that the offender is a man. As a result, the police are reluctant to arrest women for domestic assault. Women know this. That is, they know they are likely to be able to get away with it. As in the case of other crimes, the probability of a woman assaulting her partner is strongly influenced by what she thinks she can get away with. " - Murray A. Straus - Family Violence Researcher
More Reasons Why
Fear: The number one reason for not leaving is fear. Our fears are not unfounded given the fact that battered men are most at risk during leaving or after having left an abusive relationship. It is very important that our expression of fear not be minimized.
If a decision to leave has been made, a safety plan must be put in place if you have reason to be afraid for your life. Don't take any chances if your partner threatened to kill you. When you're dead.. you're dead... that's it.
- Lack of Resources: Since one of the major components of abuse is isolation, we often lack a support system. Our family ties and friendships have been destroyed, leaving us psychologically and financially dependent on our abusive partner.
- Lack of Finances and Economic Reality: The economic reality for men [particularly those with children] is often a bleak one. Perhaps economic dependence on the abuser is a very real reason for remaining in the relationship. Public assistance programs have been drastically reduced and those that remain provide inadequate benefits.
Children: Being a single parent is a strenuous experience under the best of circumstances, and for most men, conditions are often far from fair and just when it comes to receiving either equal custodial access or full custody of their children from the court system.
The enormous responsibility of raising children alone can be overwhelming. Often, our abuser may threaten to take the children away from us if we make attempts to leave.
- Feelings of Guilt: Sometimes we may believe that our wife is "sick" and/or needs our help; the idea of leaving can thus produce feelings of guilt.
- Promises of Reform: Our abuser promises it will never happen again; we want to believe this is true.
- Sex-role Conditioning: Most men are still taught to be the protector and the family provider. To leave is to abandon them and therefore admit failure.
- Religious Beliefs and Values: Religious beliefs reinforce the commitment to marriage. Many faiths hold that the husband is responsible for the welfare of his family. This may be a powerful reason for staying in a destructive relationship.
- Societal Disbelief Concerning Battered Men: Many people turn a "deaf ear" to marital violence and believe that what goes on behind closed doors is a "private matter."
The observance of a burglary, child abuse, or even cruelty to animals in the neighbourhood might quickly be reported; whereas, an assault on a husband or significant other may not and often is not reported. - Love for Spouse: Most people enter a relationship for love, and that emotion does not simply disappear easily or in the face of difficulty. After a battering, our abuser is often extremely penitent.
Because our self-esteem is so low following the incident, the apologies and promises of reform are often perceived as the end of the abuse.
Why don't battered men seek help? - A Usenet article by Doug Flor
* NOTE: Doug Flor, a therapist who has dealt with abuse issues in his own life, posted this article Usenet. He was formerly a project coordinator for the Department of Child and Family Development and the Adolescent Development Research Program, Institute for Behavioral Research, The University of Georgia.
"Yes, you may cross post the message. Making it anonymous is not necessary, people may think I was a woman and that is something I wish to avoid. As a victim of spousal abuse from my former marriage partner, Why did I not leave? Go to a shelter? Get help anywhere? First, I loved my former spouse. Even though she had a problem with violence, there was more to her than just the abusive behavior. I sought to work out the problem. She refused to admit that she "had a problem" [some- thing many women's groups deny today, as well].
Second, I love my children. I felt that by being an active parent I could moderate or deflect any abuse that might be inflicted on the children. Today, they are adults. But I know that the courts don't give a man a fair shake when it comes to custody. A man can't be just a good father in order to gain custody of his children, he has to prove the mother to be incompetent.
This only makes an adversarial situation more adversarial and we know that the single biggest predictor of emotional and behavioral problems in children is open hostile conflict between parents. I was unwilling to "go to bat" for my children as it would mean subjecting them to more negative behavior. By staying in an abusive relationship, I was able to assure myself that I would have access to my children and that they could see that there was a different way to have a relationship with a parent.
Third, there is a stigma attached to being a male victim of spousal abuse that even permeates our field. I had a discussion with a male professor at one university [in a family department] that refused to believe that a woman could be abusive. Try talking as a male victim to others that you are a victim of this kind of behavior and you will get such reactions as this, or reactions that imply: "you wimp", or "why don't you take it like a man", or "you must be a controlling man or she wouldn't do that", or "you must be abusive too".
These are a few reactions I have encountered by people in our field. How could I expect to have any kind of understanding from people who were NOT expected to understand families [police, etc]. While I did encounter some people in this field who were understanding, it was still very embarassing for me on both the personal and professional levels.
Fourth, there are VERY FEW programs [if any] designed to help battered males. We just passed a bill called the Defense of Women's Act targeting all kinds of money for female victims of spousal abuse, but what about the men in this situation? By refusing to earmark monies to programs that are inclusive of men, we deny that a problem exists [that women can be abusive] and perpetuate an implicit message that it is perfectly OK to abuse men. THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM.
Fifth, even when researchers use data sets that could illuminate the problem of familial violence by forming a theoretical framework that isn't biased [or blind], they get attacked by the more radical, extremist political agendas of groups who wish to exclude, hide, or just ignore the issue by focusing only on the "real" victims of spousal abuse.
The political agenda of these various groups say that they can only look at one type of abuse [because it is "more important"]. And while some give lipservice to the issue of male victims, they rarely, if ever discuss the issue without revictimizing men who have experienced abuse. Where is the "ethic of caring" in that?
The betrayal of a prime theoretical supposition to maintain a blindsightedness because it fails to meet their political agenda makes me highly suspect of these groups. They seem to have an axe to grind and they would rather remain blind, intolerant, and uncaring than to admit their political agenda is driving their theory and research.
Familial violence, whether it is perpetrated by a male or female, on an adult male or female [or child, whether male or female] is wrong.
But in trying to ascertain why it is perpetrated and why individuals stay in abusive relationships is very complex. Most of the reasoning, research, help, and content is still blind to the issue of male victims."
Doug Flor
[ Why don't battered men seek help? authored by Doug Flor, from menweb.org. Thank you for making this information available. ]
Men Don't Tell: by David L. Fontes, Psy.D. © 1999 David L. Fontes CEAP
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The Voice of Reason
It stands to reason that there will be more archival data from hospitals, police stations, justice departments, district attorney offices, and domestic violence centers on women who are assaulted by men than on men who are assaulted by women, if men are 8 to 9 times less likely to report the assault. A 1994 CBS movie about a husband who was continually assaulted by his wife was appropriately titled: "Men Don't Tell."
Why don't men tell? "The Wimp Factor"
When a man is a victim of his wife's physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not "controlling" her better.
Today, men are not made to ride backward on donkeys, but they are still considered "wimps" for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives' attacks. For many men "Taking it like a man" means don't complain and don't show you are vulnerable or in pain!
With the prospect of being viewed as "wimps" and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it's no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.
Male Socialization
- Men are to be self-sufficient. This means they do not need to be helped by others, if they are men.
- Men are to be strong. This means they can not express physical and emotional pain, sadness or fear, if they are men.
- Men are to be the protectors in society, especially of women and children. This means they should not need to be protected by others, if they are men.
To be a male victim of domestic violence means the man:
- Has a need to be helped by others. This means he is not self-sufficient and is not a man.
- Has a need to express his physical and emotional pain, sadness and fear. This means he is not strong and is not a man.
- Has a need to be protected from an assaultive woman. This means he cannot protect himself or his children. He is a WIMP and is not a true man.
Suppression of Pain
"When a young boy is hit by another boy on the playground he can do three things.
1. Hit back. ( Be seen as aggressive. )
2. Proclaim " That didn't hurt! " ( Be seen as strong. )
3. Cry or run away. ( Be seen as a wimp. )
Young boys who do not want to be viewed as either aggressive or a wimp choose action two: "That didn't hurt." They deny their pain and do not complain. So what will they do when a girl on the playground hits them?
Males are trained from an early age to suppress and ignore their pain, both physical and emotional. When they suppress their pain it is considered a sign of strength.
The US Marines state: Pain is weakness leaving the body.
[ "Men Don't Tell" authored by D. L. Fontes, Psy.D., from www.ejfi.org. Thank you for making this information available. ]
MEN: The Hidden Victims of Domestic Violence
Even those individuals who continue to insist that the percentage of male domestic violence victims is very small still recognize that there are male victims out there in the population.
"When men are the victims of domestic violence they are the hidden victims of domestic violence."
[ Quote by a Domestic Violence counselor ]
Good Will Toward Men
Men are where women were twenty to thirty years ago when it comes to the topic of domestic violence.
Most of the studies on domestic violence have looked at the female victim or the male perpetrator, but few studies have been done on male victims and female perpetrators.
When we look at most survey data on domestic "assaults" against men by women in the general population, the percentages are close to the same.
When we look at the small percentage of those who report they needed to see a doctor as a result of their injuries (3% for women and 0.4% for men who were assaulted), the percentage rate for men who sought medical attention is closer to 15% compared to the 85% of women who seek medical attention.
Tjaden (1998) found that women were 14 times more likely to be beaten up (6.1% female compared to 0.5% male).
Yet, when she looked at all manner of assaults she found that 39% of domestic injuries from physical assaults were on men. In other words, two in five domestic assault injuries were sustained by men.
These men warrant social concern and attention even if we say that 15% to 39% of male victims were injured. We rarely consider the emotional injury a man will experience when he is hit by a female partner.
Social Concern vs. Politics
Female arrest rates for domestic violence in Los Angeles and Sacramento have risen from about 7.0% in 1987 to 14% in 1995 (Table 2). California Department of Justice arrest rates for domestic violence have doubled from 7% in 1991 to 13% in 1995 (Table 6). The NCVS rates for reported male victims has risen from 6% in 1975 to 15% in 1996. These figures suggest that about 15% of "reported" domestic violence and/or "arrests" involve male victims even if we ignore what most of the survey data tell us.
Let's compare this percentage to the rise in female AIDS patients in California. In 1990 about 5.1% of AIDS patients were women. In 1996 the number of women with AIDS rose to 10.6% (California Department of Health Services, 1996). It is interesting that there are more reports and literature for "women with AIDS" than for "male victims of domestic violence." The question is why?
It would be wrong to say: "We cannot have an out-reach program for female AIDS patients, because it would reduce the funding for the "real" victims of AIDS, namely gay men."
Yet, this argument is used for male victims who need equal assistance. I am extremely glad that women over the past twenty-five years are finally getting the assistance they need when they are faced with a violent relationship. This paper is not meant to minimize the struggles many women suffer every day because they are living with violent partners.
The problem with the "domestic violence movement" is that it has become a feminist political movement more than helping all victims of domestic violence equally and with the same concern. Although feminists have indeed helped many women, they have done so at the expense of men who are also victims of abuse. It reminds me of some religious group that raises money to help starving children, then uses the money not only help the malnourished children but to also indoctrinate the culture with their particular religious beliefs.
At times it seems that some shelters and women's centers use the female victims of domestic violence to gain the political and monetary power they need to help these women, but to also influence law enforcement, the judicial system, legislators and the community at large with their gender feminist victimology and their one sided sexist representation of domestic violence. In other words, some of them may be using domestic violence shelters and centers as a vehicle to further their gender feminist dogma and beliefs.
Liberal politicians support these feminists because they see them as political supporters and conservatives who want to show that they are also concerned about women's issues. They find violence-against-women legislation a safe agenda to support.
Liberals need to understand that by primarily placing men into the category of perpetrators and women into the category of victims, they juvenilize women from taking any responsibility for their violent adult behavior, which is what true feminists have fought so hard to overcome in the past thirty years. They do not want society to treat women as children or "girls."
Conservatives, on the other hand, need to understand that in their need to show that they are women friendly, they are supporting the furtherance of sexist feminist dogma by not insuring that funding for domestic violence legislation includes helping all victims of domestic violence regardless of gender.
Men Are People Too!
Why is society less willing to help men than it is to help women? Maybe it's because:
- Men are to be self-sufficient. This means they don't need to be helped by others.
- Men are to be strong. This means they shouldn't have physical and emotional pain, sadness or fear.
- Men are to be the protectors in society, especially of women and children. This means they shouldn't be victims or need protection from women who attack them.
What we tell men is: " Fend for yourselves, you have the power and control " But do they?
Perhaps it is also because society is more likely to request punishment for men and treatment for women who physically abuse their spouses. Although women may find equality under the law, they will not be seen as true equals in a society that continues to juvenilize them by not holding them responsible for their adult and violent behavior toward men and children.
There is a bumper sticker that reads, " There is no excuse for domestic violence. " It does not read " There is no excuse for domestic violence, unless you are a woman. "
Excusing women for violent acts against their husbands will not help women in the long run, will not help their children who watch the violence, and will not help men who tolerate the abuse against them.
[ "MEN: The Hidden Victims of Domestic Violence" David L. Fontes Psy.D. © 1999 Thank you for making this information available. ]
Battered Men's Syndrome - the four psychological stages
This syndrome is typically attributed to women in abusive relationships. The chances are, however, that anyone in an abusive relationship, whether male or female, will be affected in very much the same way.
Many battered men, having been systematically abused by their partners, perceive that there is no way out of their relationship. Many believe that if they stay, she will eventually kill them and that if they leave she will track them down and kill them.
They fear that if they leave children behind... she may abuse them. Abused men with Battered Men's Syndrome feel trapped, helpless and, very often, they also feel guilty.
1] Denial: The man refuses to admit - even to himself - that he has been beaten or that there is a " problem " in his marriage. He may call each incident an " accident ". He offers excuses for his partner's violence and each time firmly believes it will never happen again.
2] Guilt: He now acknowledges there is a problem, but considers himself responsible for it. He " deserves " to be beaten or treated badly, he feels, because he has defects in his character and is not living up to his partner's expectations.
3] Enlightenment: The man no longer assumes responsibility for his partner's abusive treatment, recognizing that no one " deserves " to be beaten. He is still committed to his relationship, though, and stays with his partner, hoping they can work things out.
4] Responsibility: Accepting the fact that his partner will not, or cannot, stop their violent behavior, the battered man decides he will no longer submit to it and starts a new life.
deny, Deny, DENY! - a self-destructive coping mechanism
Denial is saying something hasn't happened or pretending the situation isn't as bad as it really is. It allows victims to ignore painful aspects of reality. It allows abusers to continue abusing. It is a coping mechanism, for victims, allowing them to continue living without accepting that anything is wrong.
In denial... both the abusers and the victims are lying to themselves and to others.
The Lies of Denial
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The Reactions from Victims
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Denial is an extremely ill and/or battered state of mind and can be tremendously difficult to break.
