Warning Signs

Red flags & abusive characteristics
  • UPD: 06-25-14
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Think of an abuser as a predator playing a game - a predator who continually changes the game rules and ups the stakes the longer you stay with her. Once the abuse begins to occur, if you can't affect any immediate, permanent resolutions through talking about it, it will not only continue, it will escalate in both in frequency and intensity. Either married, long term relationship or dating, once she knows you are willing to accept her abuse, she'll keep on abusing you. Why would she stop?

By abusing you, she gets what she wants each and every time. Her goal is to keep you under control while satisfying her own needs and wants. It's all about her and it always will be unless there is some type of successful, professional intervention - or you end the relationship. She will make promises and more promises, only to break them time and time again. Her promises are a cookie, something sweet to keep you coming back for more.

Thinking of getting married? Thinking maybe that will end the abuse? Think again. The only thing that will change is that you will now be married to your abuser. You cannot change her. You can only change yourself.

You have the right to choose how you wish to live. You have the right to end a relationship anytime you want to end it. You have the right to decide to leave your marriage.

Be aware that with emotional and psychological abuse, the longer you stay, the more difficult it is to leave. This is mainly because the Cycle of Abuse wears you down day by day - incident by incident.

The Signs: Sometimes the signs of an abusive person are blatantly obvious - right in your face. Most often, the signs appear as small isolated incidents.

A Simple Truth: They don't want you to find out who they really are so they're going to hide behind their mask of "The Perfect Man", "The Perfect Woman" or your "Soul Mate."

Unfortunately for you, by the time you figure out what's going on you are already suffering the effects of repeated abuse - making it difficult for you to assess your situation clearly. Your self-confidence, self-respect and self-esteem have all been damaged. This causes you to doubt yourself and warps your ability to make good judgement calls.

WTF? Pay close attention to your feelings - the little "twigs" - and fire up the horns and sirens when you experience the the "WTF?" feeling. All of these are telling you something is way, way wrong. Learn to trust yourself and your gut instincts. If something doesn't feel right - it isn't.

Remember: Abuse affects every aspect of your life - abuse changes you.

Love is in the Air

Ideally, a good time frame to be alone and work on your recovery is two to three years. An old adage states that we should live through the four seasons before becoming involved with someone new.The four seasons lay down a fresh life-page upon which to paint - providing you with valuable healing time to do your inner work; time to rebuild your life in a positive, healthy way.

If and when you do become involved with someone new, please keep in mind that all abusers are excellent actors. In most cases, you won't experience their abusive side until they're sure they've got you "hooked." They'll be a chameleon - changing themselves to become exactly what you want them to be - that's their ticket to winning you over.

Abusive Relationship Warning Signs

Listed below are some clues to help you identify an abuser. Abusers generally exhibit the same type of behavioral patterns. If you learn to recognize those patterns and signals, you can help yourself to stop unhealthy relationships before they begin.

The person in your life is warning you and telling you she has an abusive nature:

1) If she emotionally abuses you. This includes insults, belittling comments, ignoring you, or acting sulky or angry when you initiate an action or idea.

2) If she tells you who you may be friends with, how you should dress, or tries to control other elements of your life or relationship.

3) If she talks negatively about men in general.

4) If she gets jealous when there is no reason.

5) If she drinks heavily, uses drugs, or tries to get you drunk.

6) If she berates you for not wanting to get drunk, get high, have sex, or go with her to an isolated or personal place.

7) If she is physically violent to you or to others, even if it's "just" grabbing and pushing to get her way.

8) If she acts in an intimidating way toward you by invading your "personal space" [ sits too close, speaks as if she knows you much better than she does, touches you when you tell her not to. ]

9) If she is unable to handle sexual and emotional frustrations without becoming angry, sulky or withdrawing.

10) If she does not view you as an equal because she's older or sees herself as smarter or socially superior.

11) If she goes through extreme highs and lows, is kind one minute and cruel the next.

12) If she is angry and threatening to the extent that you are changing your behavior so as not to anger her.

Relationship Red Flags

Definition of Red Flag

1. A warning of danger or a signal to stop.

2. Noticing that something isn’t quite right with your significant other but dismissing it because you want to be with them, don’t want to be single, you like them, etc.

What Red Flags Mean to Love

Red flags warn us that something isn’t right with our partner’s behaviour, actions, etc. Denial and doubt are the main reasons we don’t see or believe red flags that happen to us. Until we recognize and learn from these signs, the same red flags will keep showing up in our existing relationships and our next relationship.

Sometimes we can’t put our finger on what it is, even though we feel uneasy about it. We overlook and misread red flags for many reasons including wanting a relationship to work out, getting caught up in the moment, not believing that someone we care about would do something bad to us and focusing on how wonderful we think our partner is.

We’ve all experienced red flags in our love life.

[Definition of Red Flag and What Red Flags Mean to Love © Janet Ong Zimmerman.Thank you for making this information available.]

Red Flags

  • Were you the 'love of her 'life', her 'soulmate' or new best friend within weeks?
  • Was she initially charming, saying all the right things, "mirroring" your hopes, desires, and feelings?
  • Is she jealous and possessive?
  • Does she have few friends or long-term relationships?
  • Multiple failed relationships?
  • Does she badmouth her ex or other friends?
  • Does she tell lies, big and small?
  • Does the relationship veer from hot to cold? Does she "Jekyll and Hyde"?
  • Does she have an unstable work history, frequent unemployment or job changes?
  • Do you find yourself "covering" for her, making her appear better than she really is?
  • Does she have constant financial problems?
  • Are people mad at her because she doesn't honor her debts?
  • Does she have a lack of realistic goals? A history of living off others?
  • Is she comfortable taking money from you?
  • Has she ever used your credit cards without your knowledge?
  • Does she make you feel guilty about your outside interests, time spent with friends or family?
  • Does she make you feel you're not good enough, that you're lucky to have her?
  • Has she ever humiliated you in public?
  • Does she withdraw love, friendship or approval as punishment?
  • Does she have a bad temper triggered by something seemingly insignificant? Do you often not even know what set her off?
  • Does she always shift blame onto you? Is whatever's wrong always your fault?
  • After raging, does she act like nothing at all has happened?
  • Do you ever feel "smothered" by her?
  • Does she ever threaten, hit or shove you, punch walls, break your things or call you names?
  • Is she always on the "outs" with someone?
  • Does she pressure you to quit or change jobs/friends/relationships/homes?
  • Does she have problems with authority figures?
  • Has she stalked anyone for any reason whatsoever?
  • Has she had Restraining Orders placed on her?
  • Is your self-esteem eroding?
  • Do you sometimes feel you're the crazy one?
  • Is the relationship affecting other aspects of your life?
  • Do you have a gut, "sick" sense that things just aren't right?
  • Do you sometimes wish it would just all "go away"?

[ Relationship Red Flags from Loser Rx by Clinical Psychologist Dr Joseph M. Carver, PhD.  Thank you for making this information available ]

Signs to Look for in an Abusive Personality

Many people are interested in ways to predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be physically abusive.

Signs 1-12 If the person has several (three or more) of the first 12 listed behaviours, there is a strong potential for physical violence -- the more signs a person has, the more likely the person is a batterer.

Signs 13-16 Many victims do not realize that these early behaviours are warning signs of potential future physical abuse, such as the last four listed behaviours.

In some cases, a batterer may only have a couple of behaviours that the victim can recognize, but they may be very exaggerated (e.g., will try to explain their behaviour as signs of their love and concern), and a victim may be flattered at first. However, as time goes by, the behaviour becomes more severe and serves to dominate or control the other person.

A list of common behaviours seen in abusive people:

1] Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. In truth, jealousy has nothing to do with love, it is a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. She will question the other person about whom you talk to, accuse you of flirting or be jealous of the time you spend with your family or friends.

As the jealousy progresses, she may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. She may refuse to let you work for fear you will meet someone else, or even do strange behaviors like checking your car mileage or asking friends to watch you.

2] Controlling Behavior: At first, she will say that this behavior is because she is concerned with your safety, your need to use your time well, or your need to make good decisions. She will be angry if you are late coming back from an appointment or a class, she will question you closely about where you went and whom you talked to.

As this behavior gets worse, she may not let you make personal decisions about your clothing, hair style, appearance.

3] Quick Involvement: Many people in abusive relationships dated or knew their abusive partners for less than six months before they were married, engaged or living together. Red flags if she comes on like a whirlwind, claiming, "You are the only person I could ever talk to" or "I've never felt like this with anyone before".

She will pressure you to commit to the relationship in such a way that you may later feel guilty or that you are "letting her down" if you want to slow down involvement or break up.

4] Unrealistic Expectations: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs; she expects you to be the perfect boyfriend, the perfect husband, the perfect friend or the perfect lover. She will say things like, "If you love me, I'm all you need and you are all I need." You are supposed to take care of all of her emotional needs.

5] Isolation: An abusive woman will try to cut you off from your support network and resources. She accuses you of being "tied to your mother's apron strings," or your friends of "trying to cause trouble" between you. If you have a friend of the opposite sex, you are "going out on her" and if you have friends of the same sex, she may accuse you of being gay.

6] Blames Others for Problems: She is chronically unemployed, someone is always waiting for her to do wrong or mess up or someone is always out to get her. She may make mistakes and blame you for upsetting her. She may accuse you of preventing her from concentrating on school. She will tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

7] Blames Others for Feelings: She will tell you, "You make me mad," "You are hurting me by not doing what I want you to do," or "I can't help being angry." The truth is that she makes her own decisions about how she thinks or feels, but will use feelings to try to manipulate you.

8] Hypersensitivity: An abusive person is easily insulted, and she will claim that her feelings are hurt when really she is very mad. She often takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. She will rant about things that are really just part of living like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being asked to help others with chores.

9] Cruelty to Animals or Children: This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain and suffering. She may tease younger brothers or sisters until they cry.

10] "Playful" use of Force in Sex: This kind of person is likely to be abusive during making out or she may want you to act out fantasies in which you are helpless. She is letting you know that the idea of sex is exciting. She may show little concern about whether you want affection and may sulk or use anger to manipulate you into compliance.

11] Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when she tries to degrade you, curses you, calls you names or makes fun of your accomplishments. She will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without her. This may involve waking you up to verbally abuse you or not letting you go to sleep until you talk out an argument.

12] Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde: Many people are confused by their abusive partner's "sudden" changes in mood - you may think she has a mental problem because she is nice one minute and the next minute she is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who are abusive to their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity. See Borderline Personality Disorder

13] Past Battering: She may say that she has hit boyfriends or husbands in the past but the other person "made her do it." You may hear from relatives or past male friends that she is abusive.

An abusive person will be physically abusive to any one they are with if the other person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not change a person into an abuser.

14] Threats of violence: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control you: "I'll slap you," "I'll kill you," or "I'll break your neck." Most people do not threaten their partners, but she will try to excuse her threats by saying, "Everybody talks that way."

15] Breaking or Striking Objects: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize you into submission. She may beat on the table with her fists, throw objects at or near you, kick the car, slam the door or drive at a high rate of speed or drive recklessly to scare you.

Not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten you.

16] Any Force During an Argument: This may involve her grabbing and pulling on your clothing, any pushing or shoving, locking doors or hiding the keys to your car or truck so you can't leave. She may try to back you up against wall, corner you and say, "You are going to listen to me."

[ "Signs to Look for in an Abusive Personality" from the Knoxville Police Department Domestic Violence Unit website. Thank you for making this information available. ]

Traits and Characteristics of A Violent Offender

One more time: If the abuse occurs during dating, it is very likely to continue after marriage. Once physical abuse has occurred, it is likely to occur again and to escalate over time.

You cannot change the abuser's behaviour. You can only change yourself. It is not necessary to stay in a relationship of fear. You have the right to choose how you wish to live.

The list below provides you with some extremely valuable information. Use it to help you determine if the person you are dating is already an abuser or has the potential to become one.

Signs to Look for When Dating:

  • Low Frustration Tolerance - Reacts to stress in self-defeating ways, unable to cope effectively with anxiety, acts out when frustrated. Frustration leads to aggression.
  • Impulsive - Is quick to act, wants immediate gratification, has little or no consideration for the consequences, lacks insight, has poor judgment, has limited cognitive filtering.
  • Emotional Liability & Depression - Quick-tempered, short-fused, hot-headed, rapid mood swings, moody, sullen, irritable, humorless.
  • Childhood Abuse - Sexual and physical abuse, maternal or paternal deprivation, rejection, abandonment, exposure to violent role models in the home.
  • Loner - Is isolated and withdrawn, has poor interpersonal relations, has no empathy for others, lacks feeling of guilt and remorse.
  • Overly sensitive - Hypersensitive to criticism and real or perceived slights, suspicious, fearful, distrustful, paranoid.
  • Altered Consciousness - Sees red, "blanking," has blackouts, de-realization or de-personalization. ("It's like I wasn't there" or "It was me, but not me"), impaired reality testing, hallucinations.
  • Threats of Violence - Toward self and/or others, direct, veiled, implied, or conditional.
  • Blames Others - Projects blame onto others - Is fatalistic, external locus of control, avoids personal responsibility for behavior, views self as "victim" instead of "victimizer," self-centered, sense of entitlement.
  • Chemical Abuse - Especially alcohol, opiates, amphetamines, crack, and hallucinogens (PCP, LSD), an angry drunk, dramatic personality or mood changes when under the influence.
  • Mental Health Problems Requiring In-Patient Hospitalization - Especially with arrest history for any offenses prior to hospitalization.
  • **History of Violence** - Towards self and others, actual physical force used to injure, harm, or damage. This element is the most significant in assessing individuals for potential dangerousness.
  • Odd/Bizarre Beliefs - Superstitious, magical thinking, religiosity, sexuality, violent fantasies (especially when violence is eroticized), delusions.
  • Physical Problems - Congenital defects, severe acne, scars, stuttering, any of which contribute to poor self-image, lack of self-esteem, and isolation. History of head trauma, brain damage or neurological problems.
  • Preoccupation With Violence Themes - Movies, books, TV, newspaper articles, magazines (detective), music, weapons collections, guns, knives, implements of torture, S & M, Nazi paraphernalia.
  • Pathological Triad/School Problems - Fire-setting, enuresis, cruelty to animals, fighting, truancy, temper tantrums, inability to get along with others, rejection of authority.

[ "Traits And Characteristics Of Violent Offenders", from the Knoxville Police Department Domestic Violence Unit website, written by Alan C. Brantley [FBI Academy.] Thank you for making this information available. ]

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Quotable

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt
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Doing it for You

Self-awareness is Self-empowerment

17 other people are here with you - upping their game - taking control and making positive life changes for themselves and those they love.

Our day - Nov 19th

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"Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."

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These people are here for you. Call them. Explain your situation honestly and openly. This is not the time to defend or protect her or to downplay the extent of abuse you are living with. The bottom line is that abuse is abuse - you don't deserve it.


If you need immediate help contact your local police department or emergency services. Hold her accountable for her actions. DV laws protect everyone. This includes you and all abused men. Claim your rights.

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You Deserve A Break

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    We duly affirm this snip was Chuck Norris Approved 12 12 2012

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  • George Carlin
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    • No one knows what's next, but everybody does it
    • Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it
    • "No comment" is a comment
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    • Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit
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    • Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that
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    DYK:  Carlin and his "Seven Dirty Words" comedy routine were central to the 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a 5-4 decision by the justices affirmed the government's power to regulate indecent material on the public airwaves

  • The Dos Equis Man
    The Dos Equis man - here's a sampling of some of the most humourous we found

    • He lives vicariously - through himself
    • He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it felt
    • His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man's entire body
    • When it's raining, it's because he is thinking of something sad
    • His shirts never wrinkle
    • He is left-handed and right-handed
    • If he were to mail a letter without postage - it would still get there
    • The police often question him just because they find him interesting
    • His mother has a tattoo that says "Son"
    • He once taught a German Sheppard to bark - in Spanish
    • On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him
    • Mosquitos refuse to bite him purely out of respect
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    • His business card simply says I'll call you.
    • He has won the lifetime achievement award - twice
    • If he were to slap your face, you would have to fight off the urge to thank him
    • He bowls overhand
    • He is fluent in all languages, including three that only he speaks
    • He tips an astonishing 100%
    • Once, while sailing around the world, he discovered a short cut
    • Panhandlers give him money
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    • He once brought a knife to a gunfight just to even the odds

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May 18  International Museum Day

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Of Special Interest
  • She really doesn't want to stop controlling you and abuse is her method of doing it.

  • Everything you need to identify the users & abusers and get them out of your life for good.

  • Getting what she wants using trusted coercive methods similar to those of prison guards.

  • Inside, the ultra-sensitive man is screaming, "Do you see what you're doing? You're killing me!"