Has Abuse Changed You?
Without a doubt, it most certainly has...
Your abusive relationship has likely gotten or will get worse over time. You can't make your abuser change his behavior. You can't "fix" him. It is not up to you to fix other people. Being abusive is his issue to resolve... not yours.
Abuse changes people... and it never changes anyone for the better. Has abuse affected you?
Yes, most assuredly it has, whether you are aware of it or not.
Answering these questions honestly will give you a good idea just how severely abuse has hurt you and changed you. The effects of the cycle of abuse are insidious... you may have become a mere shadow of your former self... a man who goes through the motions of everyday life with no hope, no joy, no real happiness. You may have turned to drugs, alcohol, the internet or long work hours to help you cope.
Listed below are a few of the ways in which abuse can and does affect you.
Loss of Self-Esteem:
Your self-esteem or self-concept is a measure of how you feel about yourself. Low self-esteem creates feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness, effectively taking away the self-confidence needed to make decisions and to solve problems. When your own feelings of judgment cannot be trusted, solving even small problems becomes difficult.
Feelings of Helplessness:
In abusive relationships, the abuser maintains control of your actions by physically, sexually, and psychologically abusing you. If you try to regain some control, the abuser may become more controlling. Your repeated unsuccessful attempts at stopping her violence reinforce your feelings of helplessness. As a result, you may give up trying to break the cycle of violence.
Self-Blame and Guilt:
You may be used to looking after the emotional needs of your family. When the emotional well-being of the family is suffering, as it does when abuse is present, you will tend to blame yourself and also tend to believe that you have failed in your role to look after your family.
You may have hidden your abuse for years because of the shame and guilt you feel. Your abuser usually encourages this thinking by blaming you for the abuse. This results in you falsely believing you have failed as the emotional caretaker and that you cause and deserve the abuse.
Denying and Minimizing:
Denying and minimizing are two ways of coping with your partner's violence, although they are ineffective. They increase the danger already present by encouraging you to disregard signals which can warn you of further assaults.
Minimizing abuse downplays its seriousness. You will often avoid accepting the reality that you are being abused by comparing yourself to others who have endured more extreme acts of physical and psychological abuse. You own situation then seems much less serious and much less dangerous.
Drug and Alcohol Abuse:
Abuse victims suffer from stress and tension. You may have turned to drugs and alcohol to avoid confronting your abusive situation. Continued use of these substances may lead to dependency. Substance abuse only adds to your problem. Trying to deal with substance abuse and your violent situation at the same time will easily overwhelm you.
Has Abuse Changed You?
Do you have a feeling that you are not the same person you were before? You know yourself best... trust your own instincts. If you cannot answer this question yourself... ask someone you trust implicitly. People who knew you before you became a victim of abuse will have seen the changes occur within you... no matter how obvious or subtle those change may be.
If you answer yes to some of the following questions, you are likely being abused and not only are you abused, you have also very likely changed as a result of being abused.
Do you fight and make up regularly?
Does your partner put you down, ridicule you, criticize you? Or are you doing that to your partner?
Are you "hanging in" because you can see the potential -- only the potential never gets realized?
Is your partner never home or "tuned out" when he or she is at home? Or are you?
Are you relieved when your partner isn't around?
Are you uneasy when your partner is away?
Does your partner hit you or threaten to hit you? Or are you doing it to him or her?
Is your sex life gone?
Is you or your partner's use of drugs or alcohol creating problems?
Is living alone or independently unthinkable?
Do you doubt your judgment or wonder if your are "crazy"?
Are you afraid of your partner? Do you express opinions less and less freely?
Have you developed fears of other people and tend to see others less often?
Do you spend a lot of time watching for your partner's bad and not-so-bad moods, before bringing up a subject?
Do you ask your partner's permission to spend money, take classes or socialize with friends?
Have you lost confidence in your abilities, become increasingly depressed - feeling trapped and powerless?
Abused women frequently deny being the victims of assault or battery or that a pattern of abuse has been established. A false sense of responsibility for the violence and your embarrassment about the violence often prevent you from telling others about it. You may make excuses to yourself and to others in order to explain away the violence and to renew hope for the relationship.
Please... don't feel ashamed or stupid or inadequate or blame yourself for what has happened to you.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Please take the time to read Abused Women Speak Out
Reading the experiences and emails of battered women will help you to see that abuse you are living with is real. It is painful, degrading and humiliating. Instead, give yourself a hug and a pat on the back for surviving.
You are empowering yourself with every bit of knowledge you glean. You are loving and caring about yourself by being at this website... through researching and understanding the dynamics of domestic violence and abuse.
