Getting Past Justifying Abuse
Slipping in the back door...
Rather than simply pondering the rather nebulous question of "Am I or am I not in an abusive relationship?" It is often helpful to look at some specific questions that can bring abuse to light more subtly by getting past the minimizing, rationalizing and justifying.
Psychological and emotional battering, through verbal abuse, accompanies physical battering. It kills your spirit. It cripples your self-esteem and your sense of self-worth.In many ways, this type of abuse does far more damage and long-term devastation than do physical blows.
Unfortunately, with this type of abuse, it can't be recognized as easily as a black eye, a bruise or a broken bone... and it almost always occurs behind closed doors.
How many of these questions do you answer YES:
- Are you afraid of your partner?
- Do you sometimes feel like you have to walk on pins and needles to keep your partner from getting angry?
- Has your partner ever hit, slapped, choked or pushed you?
- Has your partner ever pulled your hair?
- Do you ever feel like you deserve to be punished?
- Do you ever feel like you've done something wrong but you just can't figure out what it is?
- Have you lost all respect or love for your partner?
- Is your partner very good to you most of the time - sometimes downright wonderful, but every once in a while is very cruel or scary?
- Does your partner drive you crazy or make you feel like you're going crazy?
- Do you find yourself sometimes thinking of ways of killing your partner?
- Have you believed that your partner would kill you?
- Have you been told by your partner that he or she would kill you?
- Has your partner threatened or attempted to commit suicide?
- Have you thought that suicide would be a good thing for you because everybody would be better offwithout you or if you'd never been born?
- Were you abused as a child?
- Are there significant periods of time in your life that you can't remember?
- Have you ever done harmful things to yourself like cutting yourself, agreeing to do things you don't like, engaging in reckless or dangerous behavior, etc. because you felt like you should be punished when things have gone badly?
- Have you been forced by your partner to do something you didn't want to do?
- Have you lost all or most of your friends since you've been with your partner?
- Have you put up with something that made you really uncomfortable, or something that you really knew was wrong, because you love your partner?
- Do you feel isolated, like there's nowhere to turn for help, and that no one would believe you anyway?
- Have you lost a job because of your partner?
- Do you have to look back more than a month or two to find anything loving your partner has done for you?
- Have you ever "frozen" when your partner gave you "the look"?
- Do you feel emotionally numb?
- Do you feel like your partner never really listens to you or understands you?
- Do you feel like you have to say that you're doing okay even when you really aren't?
- Have you ever left your partner or had your partner leave because of how you were treated, but later returned or allowed your partner to return after promises that it would "all be different"?
- Have you ever pulled back from a relationship with a friend or family member because they voiced concern about how your partner treats you?
- Are you afraid to tell anybody about what's going on in your life because your don't want your partner to get into trouble or go to jail?
- Have you ever had sex shortly after a violent episode?
- Have you ever been in a relationship where you could have answered yes to these questions, but right now you're past all that?
Are you certain that you're not being abused because:
- You fight back?
- You've never been hit?
- You've never been hit with a closed fist?
- You've never had to go to the hospital?
- You've never had a broken bone?
- You've seen what "real" abuse is like, and it's worse than this?
- You deserve what you get?
- You give as good as you get?
- Nobody ever treated you this well before?
- You're not like "those" people that abuse happens to? You're educated? Wealthy? Religious? Strong?
Are you certain that the abuse is going to stop because:
- You're going to love your partner so much that he will stop abusing you?
- Your partner has so much potential, and is going to change?
- Your partner is so nice to you when other people are around?
- Your partner comes from a difficult background and is getting better all the time [ or is going to start getting better really soon now ]
Are you afraid to ask for help because you're afraid that:
- No one will understand?
- Or that people will say that you're: Overly sensitive? Making it up? Trying to get attention? Lying? A woman hater? Or trying to get out of your responsibilities?
Do you know, deep in your heart-of-hearts, that you're abused but you don't know what to do about it?
If you found yourself answering "yes" to several questions on the above list, and even if you think there are good reasons for those "yes" answers, the truth is that you are being abused.
It is not enough for a violent or abusive partner to say " I'm sorry, I'll never do it again." If that's as far as it goes, and the violence continues, then the apology is nothing more than part of The Cycle of Abuse
You must seek outside help from people who have experience dealing with domestic abuse issues and find a place of support before the abuse will really stop.
It may take you several tries to find the kind of support and help you need. Once you've found it, you will be the one doing the work, of course, but the outside involvement gives you a much better chance of successfully breaking the cycle of violence that you're presently involved in.
A supportive group situation helps provide social support for change, countering the pressures you may receive concerning your decisions.
Perhaps you find yourself in questions on both lists. This should be no surprise. Many abusive relationships have the abuse running in more than one direction, and most abusers have learned their abuse by experiencing abuse or watching someone else being abused.
Your path will be difficult should you choose healing, as the available resources will want you to work on one set of issues or the other, and you may need to be dealing with both sets sometimes. However, if it keeps you and your family safe, it'll be worth the effort.
Helping A Friend or Family Member
If you find a friend or family member on those lists, you may be wondering what to do with the knowledge that this person is abusing or being abused. The most important thing you can do is talk about it and not hide it, but there is a bit to learn about to make sure you aren't going to cause more harm than good. Some helpful things to keep in mind would include:
- Safety must be the first consideration. No matter how "right" you may think you are to do something, if it puts your friend in a dangerous situation, then it isn't helping and could lead to death.
- Your understanding that your friend is in an abusive situation doesn't mean very much, because you aren't a party to the abuse.
- Your friend is still the same person he or she has always been, even though that may not be the person you thought you liked.
- Your friend's life is not your life, and your happiness is not dependent on his or her happiness.
- He or she is probably in denial about the abuse, even if he or she appears not to be. Do not be surprised if some rather ridiculous sounding things pop out of his or her mouth along the way.
- It's not your position to heal, punish, or save your friend. He or she will need your respect, support and listening much more than your fixing, advice or judging.
- Beating up on your friend's partner, whether verbally or physically, will only do harm, and may violate the law. Besides that, it's wrong.
- Honesty and openness are vitally important, but keep some distance between being brutally frank and frankly brutal.
- Keep yourself safe and take care of your responsibilities. You can't help your friend if you throw your own life into crisis.
- Your actions speak much louder than your words. Giving your own life some scrutiny to see if you have some things you could improve about yourself, and then walking a path of healing and growth will go much further with your friend than any amount of sermonizing or lecturing.
- Please never do something for your friend that he or she could do for himself or herself. People make sure that things which are important to them happen. And sheltering people from the consequences of their behavior may rob them of the most valuable learning experiences they can have.
- Please do not tolerate intolerable behavior from your friend. Calling the police can be an act of love if it keeps you safe and starts your friend on the road to healing [ prison can be an effective form of treatment ].
[ "Getting past minimizing, rationalizing and justifying abuse" reproduced from Blain Nelson's abuse web site. www.blainn.com Thank you for making this information available. ]
Abuse Lethality Guide
It is difficult to know what kind of danger you or someone you love are in when exposed to someone who has previously been abusive. This checklist is sometimes used as a guideline. Each category of behavior is indicative of risk for further abuse. The more factors which are present in a relationship, the higher risk for the abused person in the relationship.
- The frequency of the use of violence is increasing
- The severity of the violence is escalating
- The threats to kill the spouse or others is escalating
- The frequency of intoxication from alcohol and other drug use is increasing
- Threats are made to harm children or pets
- The abuser attempts to force sex or uses sex to threaten
- The abuser threatens or attempts suicide to control and manipulate
- The abuser keeps weapons at home or makes them easily accessible
- The level of psychiatric impairment of the abuser
- The proximity of both parties - how close they both work and live
- The abuser's need for control of contact with the children
- The current stress levels in the abuser's life
- The abuser's previous criminal history
- The abuser's attitude toward violence
- The presence of a new relationship for either the abuser or the abused person
BE AWARE: Lethal violence against a battered male is very real and is escalating. Men are more likely to be killed during or after leaving their abuser than at any other time in their relationship.
