Learning to Take Care of Yourself
Discovering healthy assertive behaviour...
"Whether you stay in your relationship, or you leave, "you will need to learn how to take care of yourself. You will need to learn how to stop rescuing, to set your personal limits and boundaries, and how to be assertive.
One of the reasons you may have been so attractive to an emotionally abusive person is that it has been clear from the start that you could be manipulated into taking care of her, and furthermore, that her needs were more important than yours. One of the most important things you can do is to begin to put your own needs first.
If you learned as a child that your needs were unimportant, you may believe that taking care of yourself is a selfish act. But your highest responsibility is to yourself. When you take care of your own needs first, you will be able to be a genuinely caring, giving person, not a martyr. Although it will be uncomfortable at first, and you may be afraid that other won't like you unless you are giving to them, keep trying."
[ From Beverly Engel MFCC, "The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself" (Ballantine Books, 1990) Heart 2 Heart paraphrased replacing "him" with "her." ]
Assertive Behavior - Learning assertive behaviour will give you back your self-respect
Assertive Definition: This involves standing up for your personal rights and expressing your thoughts, feelings and beliefs directly, honestly and openly in ways that are respectful of the rights of others. An assertive person acts without undue anxiety or guilt. Assertive people respect themselves and other people and take responsibility for their actions and choices.
They recognize their needs and ask openly and directly for what they want. If refused, they may feel saddened, disappointed or inconvenienced, but their self-concept isn't shattered. They are not over-reliant on the approval of others, and feel secure and confident within themselves. Assertive people give the lead to other people as to how they wish to be treated.
1 ] Assertive Message Communicated: This is what I think. This is how I feel. This is how I see the situation. How about you? If our needs conflict, I am certainly ready to explore our differences and I may be prepared to compromise.
2 ] Assertive Subconscious Thoughts: I won't allow you to take advantage of me and I won't attack you for being who you are.
3 ] Assertive Goal: To communicate clearly, adult to adult.
Assertive Verbal and Non-Verbal Characteristics:
- Receptive listening
- Firm, relaxed voice
- Direct eye contact
- Erect, balanced, open body stance
- Voice appropriately loud for the situation
- "I" statements [ "I like", "I want, "I don't like" ]
- Co-operative phrases [ "What are your thoughts on this?" ]
- Emphatic statements of interest. [ "I would like to..." ]
Self-Assertion Payoffs: The more you stand up for yourself and act in a manner you respect, the higher your self-esteem. Your chances of getting what you want out of life improve greatly when you let others know what you want and stand up for your own rights and needs. Expressing yourself directly at the time of negative feelings means that resentments are not allowed to build up. Being less preoccupied with self-consciousness and anxiety, and less driven by the needs of self-protection and control, you can see, hear and love others more easily.
The Price of Self-Assertion: Friends may have benefitted from your non-assertion and may sabotage your newly developed assertion. You are reshaping your beliefs and re-examining values that have been closely held since childhood. This can be frightening. There are no 'tablets of stone' to guarantee an elegant outcome of your efforts. There is often pain involved in being assertive.
[ "Assertive Behavior" by T. Powell © 1992 ]
Assertive Bill of Rights - Use this chart to see your rights as an assertive man
Non-Assertive Traditional View: It's selfish to put your needs before others' needs.
Your Assertive Right: You have the right to put yourself first.
Non-Assertive Traditional View: If you can't convince others that your feelings are reasonable, then you must be wrong or you're being irrational.
Your Assertive Right: You have the right to be the final judge of your feelings and accept them as legitimate.
Non-Assertive Traditional View: Respect the views of others, especially those in authority. Keep your differences to yourself. Listen and learn.
Your Assertive Right: You have the right to your own opinions and convictions.
Non-Assertive Traditional View: You should always try to be logical and consistent.
Your Assertive Right: You have the right to change your mind or decide on a different course of action.
Non-Assertive Traditional View: You shouldn't take up others' valuable time with your complaints.
Your Assertive Right: Your Assertive Right: You have the right to ask for emotional support.
Non-Assertive Traditional View: People don't want to hear you complaining to keep it to yourself.
Your Assertive Right: You have the right to express your feelings and pains.
[ "Assertive Bill of Rights" © by Martha Davis Ph.D ]
Support Groups and Resources
When you are searching for help and support, ask anyone and everyone to help you find what you need to survive and heal.
- Heart 2 Heart InterActive world-wide list of resources for all abused people
- Battered men's shelters and support groups are, at present, sadly few and far between. Therefore, women's shelters and crisis centers may be able to point you in a direction for battered men
- Crisis Hot Lines and Domestic Abuse Hot Lines
- Check your local hospital for abused men's support groups
- Look for Men's Legal Advocate Services
- Legal Aid Services
- Your local police department may have victim and abuse support resources
- Abuse aware friends and family members
- Investigate anonymous 12 step support groups
- Scour the internet, local library and bookstores for abuse information
- John Howard Society
- YMCA & YWCA
- Self-Defense courses will instill self-confidence and inner control as you learn to protect yourself
- The Law: investigate placing restraining orders or orders of protection
