Thank you. I was sitting here wide awake wanting to talk to someone about what was going on in my head. I almost called my ex because I knew he was awake.

My ex and I broke up Jan. 10, 2007 (3 wks b4 the wedding) after being together for almost 2 years. Long story short, he turned out to be emotionally abusive for the first 1 1/2 and then became violent.

The pastor of our church told me if I loved him to stick by him and pray. Stupid me I did for two months after the first time I had to call the police. I didn't press charges because he didn't hit me. He just forced his way in to my house and said a few things that got him punched repeatedly in the face...I broke my hand in four places and he got a disorderly conduct fine. The second time he was violent was towards my 14 year old son infront of our 7 month old daughter. That was it.

The police wouldn't let me press charges because my son faught back and the jugde turned down the protection order. The stalking and harrassment started and did not stop until three emails he sent me were enough information for the police to do something. He went to prison and served only 6 months. I had the prison enforce a No Contact Order ue to 9 letters he sent in under a month to me.

Since we have a daughter together, the court for some God forsaken reason gave him shared legal custody with permission to call and write the baby (14 months old then) while he was still incarcerated. I was ordered to communicate fully with him and read every letter he wrote to "the baby". The judge gave him back control. The no Contact Order was dropped.

Now he is out of prison and drug rehab living with a women whom he claims is his best friend of 20 years. I never heard of her. He still calls me "hon" and believes we can forgive and move past this and be the family we should be...blah, blah, blah.

What I want to know if how long does it take to get a control freak out of your system and when am I going to get control back of my life when he's court ordered to be in it? I've been on dates with three men within the past year and I didn't like any of them after the first date. The last one had the red flags going up the first hour when he told me what I was going to eat when we went out next time for dinner.

We've been broken up for a little over a year and I STILL feel like we are together. I feel like I would be cheating on my ex if I slept with another man. HELP!!! This isn't me and I found ALOT of similarities within this site.

I moved to a different area to start a new life..to get away from the 19 years of failed relationships, courts, and the pastor who condoned my ex's behavior and moved a block away from me. I don't drink or do drugs, I don't go out, I rarely get dressed, but I am not always depressed. I just have no desire to go out and meet new people who will /might hurt me. I don't trust my judgement or my instincts anymore. What the heck happened to me?

I used to be the one with the biggest kahunas who did what she wanted reagrdless of anyone else's opinion. I never listened to anyone who told me what to do. I laughed and did it smiling just to spite them. I want that girl back. I have 2 1/2 college degrees, I'm not hard on the eyes, I have four great kids, my own place and vehicle, and a new job. So why the heck do I still miss/love him? He's not going to change. He doesn't think he has a problem. And I gotta deal with him for the next 16 yrs. and 3 months? (He says for the rest of our daughter's life)

I attended the victim's classes and was told we could not give advice to any of the other women. I get that to a point, but most of the women hadn't left the guy yet and it was hard for me to keep my mouth shut. There was no child care provided and I didn't want to leave my children alone at the house while he was still out there.

I just really needed to vent and I thank whoever is reading this by giving me the oportunity to do so.

Stuck in a rut,
Nanc